Three video games for the modern hellscape
Illustrations: Matt Daley
When most Canadians are asked to name a billionaire, Americans such as Elon Musk and Bill Gates come to mind. To remedy this, online news outlet The Breach released a Pac-Man parody video game called Billionaire Banquet to familiarize readers with the individuals who hold the same wealth as the poorest 12 million Canadians. Based on that alone, with no modicum of self-reflection, we at BuyMyCrypto Studios have decided to capitalize on this idea by creating games for Canadians and journalists alike! This innovative, interactive format is excellent for getting readers to think about the larger systems at play in their everyday lives, and most importantly, it’s a fun way for us to keep making money! So, we at BuyMyCrypto Studios proudly present our newest collection of games for news outlets to offer their readers and reporters:
Space Evaders
A new spin on the arcade classic Space Evaders will immerse you in every billionaire’s favourite pastime—avoiding your taxes! Every level will have the backdrop of a planet themed like Canada’s largest sectors. Your job is to dodge pesky T2 tax forms trying to take your hard-earned cash! What’s more? Every time you successfully pass a level, you get to find out how much Canada’s leading corporations pay in corporate taxes!
Hint: You’ll soon find out who the real evaders are!
Dougy Kong
Donkey Kong revamped! In the first level, you’ll play as an Ontarian trying to get healthcare. Smash those barrels to earn extra points to avoid waiting 24 months for a knee replacement. But watch out for your arch nemesis, Dougy Kong. Yes, this game may involve a lot of waiting, but if you’re one of the lucky players to unlock the rare “family doctor” power up, your chances of succeeding are even higher! But the fun doesn’t stop there! Each level is modelled after a different Ford policy decision. As pixelated bills climb up ladders, toss your barrels to knock down selling the Greenbelt, using the notwithstanding clause against unions, implementing strong mayor powers, and more!
World Fighter
This arcade game twists off Street Fighter. Sorry, folks, you won’t get to “select your player” for this one. Your only option is to play as Justin Trudeau. If you’re worried about taking on world powers, fret not: You’ve given your opponents the tools to fight each other! A recent Investigative Journalism Foundation report found that the current Liberal government has exported approximately eight times more weapons than the previous Conservative administration (2006–2015). World Fighter invites Canadian players to simply watch other countries battle and choose which one they like better. So, take a load off with our soon-to-be arcade classic and pull the strings behind the world’s most devastating conflicts! (Just don’t leave a paper trail!)
About the author
Sophia de Guzman is a fourth-year journalism student at Toronto Metropolitan University, but she has roots in California and British Columbia. Sophia hopes to approach her interests in business, technology, and labour with a social justice lens. Sophia currently works at the CJRU as a show coordinator and producer, alongside interning at Ricochet Media. In her off time, she likes to hang out with her dog and is an avid NPR enthusiast.
